I’ve Had a Few Wives

Yes, I’ve had a few wives already,  and when I was George I had only one. I’d call it a missed opportunity, but back then I was a religious man. Not that I’m not a religious man now, but I just don’t see why God should have anything to do with it.

It’s like this. You see a woman. You want a woman. Where does God come into that equation?

Plus back then women didn’t look like women now. Back then they were never more than 6’s. 6 was really as good as they got. So if you ended up with a 4 you considered yourself pretty lucky. Today a 4 is pretty sad. Really sad for both people. The 4 and the man who has to look at the 4.

Melania’s a 10. Actually she’s a 10 plus because she came along with a promise to get me elected president again. Yes, again.

This is one of our greatest secrets. Really no one knows this except Melania and me, and her father, and the communist party people, or KGB, or whatever they are now, and my good friend Putin.

It all happened during the first time Putin met a U.S. president in Slovenia. Putin realized right then and there, that it would be great if a U.S. president was married to a Russian spy. It’s like straight out of the movies. It’s really quite amazing. An amazing story. A love story. A spy story. It would make a great TV drama, maybe a movie, maybe a movie made for TV. Maybe even a reality TV show. Ok, she’s not Russian. But who cares. It’s close enough, Slovenian. Right honey? I got it right this time. She said so. Slovenian. But really, who cares? No one cares about Slovenia anyway.

So Putin had his people figure out who they could recruit to marry an American who just might one day run for the office of the President of the United States. Imagine. Such an honor to be vetted by Putin himself. Or at least his people. Maybe even extremely vetted. I’m assuming it’s his people. I mean, who else could it be? But he had to order it, right?

Well it turns out, and I’m so very, very honored to have been the one that rose to the top of his list. But then I always rise to the top because I’m a winner. And I won this great, great honor by the great leader Putin himself. Greatest leader. Most amazing leader.

And then they had to find an appropriate woman. At a minimum she had to be a 10. And at a maximum, well, what a woman. Let’s just say. I don’t really want to say. But let’s just say, what a woman. So that’s it. I’m saying it, what a woman, just like I said at the Republic National Convention, but then stopped myself from telling you all too much. But almost didn’t. Look at the tapes. You’ll see what I mean.

This woman Putin found, and imagine the great, great honor it is to be the one woman that Putin found amongst the millions, hundreds of millions of women, billions of women, to be the best and only woman for the job, and that was Melania.

Because her father would have died, or been murdered, or something, and maybe her mother’s clothing design business would have been taken away from her, or maybe just really because she stepped up to this great, great honor, Melania was recruited to seduce me. Imagine that. Such an honor for both of us really. A match made in heaven.

We’d met, but only briefly, and then out of the blue, I get this call. Imagine, that voice with that accent. I can’t do it, but you can imagine it.

“Dunuld, I’m vundehrring eef you kyen hyelp me?”

Sure, I can help that voice. Who wouldn’t want to help that voice, and the body attached to that voice. We went to dinner, and the rest, as they say, is history, even though she wouldn’t marry me at first. Not until I promised two things. First, I would have to work on undermining whichever president was elected next. And then I’d have to run for president myself.

They seemed like such strange conditions, don’t you think? But such smart conditions. Very smart. Very, extremely smart. You see, Melania’s a great negotiator. She knows timing is everything, and at the time she literally had me by the balls so I really couldn’t engage my excellent mind. I really had no choice because I’m a man, so I said sure. Yes, yes, anything you want. Whatever, just whatever. We’re right in the middle of this thing. Absolutely.

And that was that. It was just a matter of time before she got me to buy the biggest ring ever. I mean the biggest. You can look it up. And that $200,000 dress. Who wouldn’t want to marry that dress?

And then she got pregnant, which is usually kind of a bummer except at least some parts get better. And you can see those in that photo. It’s right after Baron was born. I’m holding him. She’s in a low cut dress. Nothing better than that really. Just look at that. Really. Just look.

A couple of years later she said it was time to fulfill my first promise.

“It veell bee guud pryektis forr you,” she said. “Layk ven you arr prrehzidyent.”

She wanted me to start saying that Barack Obama wasn’t an American. Sure, it seemed odd. He’s black. He speaks pretty good English. Didn’t he live in Chicago and go to Harvard? But whatever. It’s a promise. I’m going to keep it. So who cares if Barack Obama was born in Hawaii or not? It turns out a lot of people care. Who am I too question all of those people? Look, they care. Good. Great. I’ll just keep saying it until I don’t stop. Barack Obama was born somewhere, maybe not. Who knows. We don’t know. We weren’t there when he was born. Who was even there?

Baron was Melania’s idea for a name too. Actually, it was Melania and her father and Putin, actually, if truth be told. And that’s the truth. Such a great guy. A real leader. Who would have thought that Putin would be able to come up with a name for an American kid. But he did, because he has eyes in his head and they see far into the future, like my re-presidency, which he said is going to be so great.

Which is already so great. And which is me fulfilling my second promise. Because I fulfill all of my promises. I really do. I do. Just like when I was George Washington, even though I only said “I do” to one woman then. Martha was good. She was a 6. There really wasn’t better than 6’s then. It’s just two words. I do. Easy. Easy to remember. Even for anybody. I do. And then maybe later you don’t.

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