Yes. A WAR! Maybe with North Korea. Maybe with someone else. South Korea? Who knows. Maybe North. Maybe China. Maybe somebody. I’m not saying who. Because it’s got to be a surprise.
But it’s going to be a great, big, beautiful war. Purple Hearts for EVERYBODY! A FABULOUS WAR! Here are seven reasons why I need one, desperately.
1. Once I’m at war FAKE NEWS will stop trying to get me impeached and will focus on the body count. I remember those body counts during the Viet Nam War, the one I artfully dodged. (Bone spurs… Ha!)
2. Ivanka had a great idea. She’ll design clothing for war widows and women in combat. Special clothes just for them, with special beautiful handbags and shoes. My government will pay for the war widow’s outfits too. They’ll be so beautiful, unless they’re fat. I really hate fat women. So ugly. So horrible to look at.
3. Republicans always start wars. As George Washington I started the mother of all wars against the Queen of England, a horrible person, really. She needs to lose some weight and get better outfits. Even the great Abe Lincoln had a war. So did Eisenhower. There were other wars I’m sure. So it’s my turn now.
4. With Obama not going to war, my military is getting rusty. It’s getting out of shape. They’re forgetting how to drop bombs. They’re forgetting how to rape and pillage. I know how to rape and pillage. I’ll be able to teach them a thing or two.
5. My troops will come to Mar-a-Lago for R&R. Need I say more about this most important perq provided by the American tax payer? It’s my favorite perq too. Taxpayers paying me to play golf on my own golf course. My troops will love playing golf there with me. Maybe not all of them, just some to make it look like they are.
6. Melania can stay in NYC longer. She’ll make something up again like she’s afraid of a bomb dropping on the White House and how important it is to keep Baron out of an environment where generals traipse in and out. But really, she’ll be able to stay in NYC with her lover. Ok, yes, she has one. We’ve been keeping it a secret. It’s the only way she’d agree to let Ivanka be the First Lady.
7. Mostly I just have to get the media off my back and make it seem like I’m doing something. ANYTHING. They’re hounding me about this First 100 Days thing. They’re hounding me about playing golf. They’re being very mean and horrible to me. Really horrible. Very, extremely, horribly, big league. SAD!
Did I forget to mention that it really needs to be a nuclear war?…for obvious reasons.