Confidential Memo to Border Patrol

Ok, everyone else, just close this. Delete it. Go away. Because the rest of this is confidential information only to be read by Border Patrol, those great guys who do such a great, great job protecting this country. And soon there will be many more, many, many more.

But everyone else, leave now, or they will come and arrest you, because the next thing I’m going to write is a C and that means confidential, not for your eyes.


Ok, Border Patrol, now that everyone else is gone I need you to do a favor for me. When you go after the gangs, the illegals, the illegal terrorists, but especially the gangs, I need you to focus on the Spanish gangs, the black gangs, the Puerto Rican gangs, the Mexican gangs, the Chinese gangs, the Korean gangs, the Columbian gangs and we need to deport all of them. Immediately.

But there are two groups that you absolutely must not even approach. Don’t talk to them. Don’t look them up. Don’t do anything. Just pretend they’re not there. Ok?

The Italians and the Russians. Just leave them alone.

Mostly the Italians are from New York City anyway – Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn, the Bronx, the other one. They’re fine. They’ve done some really nice things for me. I’ve done some really nice things for them. We don’t need to deport them. They’re fine. Ok? Understood? Leave the Italians alone.

And leave the Russians alone too. Just leave them alone. Don’t even say anything. They’re all over Miami, all over Florida, all over Brooklyn, all over California, everywhere else. But just leave them alone. Because really, I kind of promised my father-in-law and my good buddy Vladimir Putin that I wouldn’t mess with those people because they’re just out there trying to make a living like anyone else. Ok? Do we understand each other? Don’t mess with the Russians. For the love of God. DON’T MESS WITH THE RUSSIANS!

Now you might have a hard time telling the difference between all of these people because they all speak with these crazy accents. Makes it really hard to understand them sometimes. But I have some experience with this so let me explain.

It’s like this. The Spanish, the Puerto Ricans, the Mexicans, the Columbians, they all sound like Charo. Maybe you don’t know Charo. She’s that actress. But that’s ok. Cause they sound exactly like Marco Rubio. You know what I mean. Latino. The Latinos all sound alike.

Ok, the New Yorkers you can leave alone and you’ll know them because they sound like me, like Giuliani, like Joy Behar, ok? I’m not a fan of Joy, but she’s an example of a voice. Ok?

The Russians sound different completely and if you want to know what they sound like, go to youtube and find the video where Melania is introducing me at that rally at the Orlando-Melbourne airport a few days ago. They sound exactly like she does.

Didn’t she do a fabulous job introducing me? She wrote her entire speech by herself, with no help from anyone whatsoever. It was so moving to watch her stand there and read. Although I admit I’m not sure what she was talking about when she said that stuff about “our father who art in heaven.” Because her father isn’t painting in heaven. He was standing right behind me at the inauguration, along with Melania’s mother and her aunt. So no, no art in heaven, whatever that means.

But otherwise, a wonderful job, and a beautiful moving speech, which I mostly understood, except that part that was confusing.

So remember get rid of all of the gangs, except the Italians and the Russians. Because you know, Melania’s father was in the communist party. And none of the communists wanted the Soviet Union to break up. Plus even if he is younger than me, I don’t know, maybe he is, I want to show him the support every father-in-law deserves.

Ok, that’s it. Back to work everybody. Enough of this.