The horrible fake news hasn’t gotten one thing right about my campaign or my administration. So this is me, 45, setting the record straight. It’s important you read this to the very end so you will know for yourselves when the fake news is lying about what I’ve said.
First, this is what I meant when I said, “Drain the swamp.” I meant, “Drain the swamp.” Everybody knows that Washington D.C. was built on a swamp. When I was George Washington one of the projects I undertook in the early years of our country was building the capital of this great nation. But nobody wanted to give up any of their nice land for the capital.
Thomas Jefferson out at Monticello? No way, Jose.
Benjamin Franklin up in the Pocono’s? Are you out of your friggin’ mind?
Hamilton was a real prick about it too.
So I, as a surveyor, had come across this swamp land just east of Maryland (I think it was east), and maybe a little north of Virginia. Swamp land. Completely useless swamp land. Such a deal I made. I sold Congress on the idea of buying the swamp land and building a capital. (That’s right, I was the first one to come up with the idea of selling swamp land). But before we could build on it, we’d have to drain the swamp.
Ok, fast forward to 2016. During my campaign, I heard first from John Baynor and then later from Paul Ryan, and then again from 44, that for some reason all of the basements in Washington D.C. were flooding all the time. The basement of the White House. The basement of Congress. The basement of the Washington Monument. John Baynor’s basement. (listen, I’m not spelling it the stupid way he spells it. I’m spelling it the way it sounds). Paul Ryan’s basement.
Apparently this constant flooding was quite widespread. So my solution, because I knew D.C. was built on a swamp, was “Drain the Swamp.”
Now, clearly we have no idea why these basements are flooding constantly. Some scientist are trying to say it’s climate change. But we think it’s just because Washington D.C. needs a big change, a great big change, a huge change.
So this is my plan that will not only create millions of jobs, it will also save tax payers billions of dollars.
First we drain the swamp. Yes the D.C. swamp, just like I promised during the campaign.
Then we tear everything down and build the biggest golf course you can imagine. The biggest. I mean the biggest in the world. 700 holes. Maybe 1000 holes. Maybe more. Maybe thousands. We call this wonderful, amazing place the Trump Memorial National Golf Course.
At the same time we move all of Washington D.C. somewhere else. I have some properties that are undeveloped and some deals that Eric and Donald Jr. are working on now. So we’ll look at those and we’ll pick the best location, and that’s where we’ll rebuild the capital of our nation.
Obviously it will need a name. Maybe something starting with Trump. Trump City is a little plain. Trump Gotham City. Maybe something like that. We’ll work on the name.
You can see how this entire process would create millions of jobs. Maybe billions.
Plus, because the Trump Organization already has caddy uniform designs, we won’t even have to design new uniforms, saving taxpayers literally billions of dollars.
Plus, plus, and this is something I just thought of with my great mind (imagine that) because so many of my properties are already named “Trump” when my reign ends taxpayers won’t have to be charged for erecting thousands of statues in my name, because my name is already all over the place. We just have to change the names of some roads and highways. Nothing too big. I-95 maybe, the one that runs down the entire east coast.
I’m clearly open to suggestions about this revolutionary (get it?) idea for simultaneously draining the swamp, building the most amazing golf course, moving the capital, creating millions of new jobs, and saving taxpayers billions of dollars.
I’ll be submitting this bill to Congress in just a few days.
It’s called “Trump’s Revolutionary Investment Plan for Prosperity in Government,” or TRIPPING for short.
Which reminds me, it’s time to get back to Mar-a-Lago because the Chinese president is coming soon.