I’ve Always Loved Hair

Gilbert Stuart's 1796 oil on canvas portrait of George Washington on display at Washington's National Portrait Gallery. (AP Photo)
Gilbert Stuart’s 1796 oil on canvas portrait of George Washington on display at Washington’s National Portrait Gallery. (AP Photo)

I’ve always loved hair. Hair color is important. Hair length is important. Hair on top of your head is important. It was important when I was George Washington and it’s important today. Very important. Extremely important.

When I was George I had really great red hair. It made me stand out. I already stood out because I was so tall. And when I stood up and had that red hair on the top of head I was tall and noticeable. Everyone noticed me. Everybody. People said so. Lots of people said they noticed me.

But back then we had a custom. It was a good custom, a little messy. But still, a custom is a custom and who am I to argue with a custom that’s a little messy but that everyone agrees with. Lots of people agreed with it. We put powder on our heads. I had long red hair, down to my shoulders, and put powder all over it. Come to think of it, it was horribly messy. Terribly messy. Maybe not such a good custom. Maybe we should make that custom illegal. Because it was really a mess.

All over the dining room table, all over the floors, everywhere you looked there was white powder everywhere, all the time. In your bed. In your nose. I’m telling you, and a lot of people talked about it, everywhere.

But it was good training; really good training for the 70’s and 80’s when there was a lot of white powder around too. It was 1977 or 78. Probably 77, maybe 78. Either way, 77 or 78. Pick one. It doesn’t matter.

I was lucky because I was used to white powder from when I was George Washington and had it in my nose all the time. I was at Studio 54, with Steve and Ian, and a lot of other friends. Many friends. Great friends. Maybe some not so great. But many, many great, great friends.

Steve took me into the office and showed me their white powder. He thought maybe it scared me. I don’t drink. Never have. Never will. He knew I didn’t drink. But white powder, that’s something else altogether.

I learned a lot from Steve. And Ian. Ian was good too. They liked me. They were both very good to me. We had a very, very good relationship. Very good relationship. I can’t say anything bad about our relationship. They always made sure to have some very good white powder in the office for me and my guests, whenever I stopped by. Because I didn’t drink. See. So it was white powder instead. Such good people. They liked me, I liked them. A couple of great guys.

I get my white powder elsewhere these days. And it’s not so messy. Putting white powder on your head was just really, really stupid. Crazy really and very messy. Since the 70’s we’ve been sniffing it. I like a $100 bill. Others like a $5. I always keep one $100 bill with me, like at the Republican National Convention. Other times, you can probably tell if you watch the tapes, but not really. Just a little sniffing here and there and I can always say I had a cold. Or no, maybe an allergy. Yeah, an allergy. Which makes you look weaker – a cold that you get once or an allergy that you have forever. Maybe a cold. Yeah, it’s probably better to get a cold.

When I was George Washington that red hair with all of that stupid white powder made me stand out. Now my hair and this other white powder, more discrete white powder, makes me stand out.

It’s good to stand out. You have to be noticed. If no one notices you, you might as well just die. Think about how much less we’d have to pay in Medicare and Social Security benefits to all of those people who no one notices.

If they all just got a little white powder, they would be noticed. That would be good, maybe for them, but maybe not so much for anyone else. But maybe for them. Yeah I’d say maybe for them.

Plus my hair. They can always do like I do with my hair now. No stupid white powder, but the best color and the best cut. I look like I’m still 20. I look great. I’m healthier now then I was then, and back then I was plenty healthy. NO problems there. No, all health. All working good, especially with a little white powder. What I couldn’t do then was nothing. Which is the same now. Nothing.