Why it’s Extremely Important that I Play Golf Often

One weekend at Mar-a-Lago isn’t enough, even for Tiger Woods, if the president of China is going to bet his economy against yours in a round of golf.

So I’m practicing every weekend, every single weekend.

Yes, I tried to hide it. I asked Sean and some of the others to tell you I was somewhere else. Because, just like not telling ISIS what I’m doing, I don’t want the president of China to know what I’m doing.

He’s a president, right? Not an emperor? Maybe he’s an emperor. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Let’s call him president, like me.

Because what really matters is our golf game. His game. My game. My great game has to be absolutely at its best when I play him. (Sorry, the name is just too strange to say out loud. So I’m not going to say it or even write it down here. It’s a name. He has one. Everyone has one. A lot of people are telling me that he has a name. So I’m going with that, and that he’s a president. Just tossed a coin and president won).

So please, fake news, failing New York Times and Washington Post, and now the LA Times too, stop telling the whole world that I’m practicing my golf game because this is what’s at stake.

The future of our country.

Our country’s economy.

Our country’s security.

Because the Chinese president and I spoke on the phone a while ago and we decided that we’d play golf. Whoever wins gets to manipulate currency, dump cheap products into the other’s country, and smuggle citizens over the southern border who want to become cooks in Chinese restaurants. And let me tell you, they have lots of Chinese restaurants in China. Millions, maybe billions. The number of jobs one round of golf could create is amazing. 200,000 in one quarter is nothing compared to the millions of jobs we’ll create in China for American cooks if I win this round of golf.

So everybody. Just leave me alone and let me practice already. Stop with the stupid New Yorker covers. Stop bothering me about Russia. Who cares about Russia.

Because here comes China. And we’re going to make the best of it. China alone will make America great again.

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