At first I planned to go to Mar-a-Lago to practice golf because of a bet with China’s emperor Gin Ping. Now that that’s over I still need to play golf for a bunch of reasons. I’ll be playing at Mar-a-Lago until it gets too hot in Florida, then somewhere else I own where it’s cooler. I have many options, so don’t worry. Plus I just cleared land for a new golf course in Iraq where I dropped the #MOAB. So the Trump empire will be expanding and you’re going to love it, believe me.
12 Strategic Reasons why I MUST play Golf each weekend:
1. I have to keep my promise to Al Asisisis and play every weekend.
2. According to Jared, the Palestinians are deathly afraid of golf. My playing is therefore a vital security concern for Israel.
3. I chip away at NAFTA with each round.
4. During our round, Paul Rand told me the senators won’t talk about health care unless they’re on a golf course where the air is clear.
5. Great food and beautiful chocolate cake afterwards, keep up my energy for other presidential duties and ordering missile strikes.
6. As president I must keep fit to lead our great nation into war. Golf is
7. Golf is becoming less and less popular, and whenever I play golf attendance at all golf courses goes up. GDP improves. Terribly important.
8. Taxpayers insist I don’t waste their money. Playing golf is NEVER a waste of money especially at a Trump resort that makes the money.
9. Tax season always gives me a headache. A president has to have ways to relieve his headache. Golf’s it for me.
10. Putin’s golf game is maybe good, maybe bad. CIA can’t say for sure. I can’t risk being worse than him.
11. It’s become a family tradition on weekends. I play golf. Melania does something else.
12. It’s the 11th commandment, right there after #10. Thou shalt play golf on weekends in Florida unless it’s too hot. Who am I to argue with God?