Real News: Outlawed Email and Obamacare Replacement is PencILL

Folks, you heard it right. I am going to outlaw all email plus Repeal and Replace Obamacare with PencILL.

It’s a perfect solution for two serious, major problems we have in this country.

Email — look at how much trouble email causes. Poor Mike. The media is making so much out of this thing with his AOL account being hacked. It was nothing. It was an AOL account. It was all old email. Nothing new. No news. But still, they’re after him.

So by executive order in a few minutes I’m going to outlaw and repeal all email. No one will be allowed to use it anymore, anywhere in the world. It won’t be admissible in court. It won’t exist. So it won’t be hackable. And it won’t cost us a dime. Not a penny.

And second, inspired by Mike Pence and the repealing of email, I’m going to repeal and replace Obamacare with PencILL. I’m talking to DixonTicondergo already. It’s a super low cost solution for all of our health care problems and soaring costs. And it’s so simple, folks. So simple. If you’re sick, you won’t need to wait for a doctor. There won’t be any copays. Just pick up a pencil and stick it in your eye. Done!

Everyone in the world will probably copy us soon, so I’m going to trademark PencILL and the American people will reap untold benefits from the licensing of the name.

So to recap. Email is repealed and made unlawful. Obamacare is repealed and replaced with PencILL. And I’m singing both these executive orders that are on white pieces of paper with a very sharp pencil.

Any questions?

I didn’t think so.

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