The Real True Story About That Stupid, Ridiculous Cherry Tree

Some people will tell you that story about the cherry tree was made up. It wasn’t made up. What it was, was something else. That cherry tree was blocking the view from my father’s study. He told me to go out there and chop it down. Sure, why not. Swing an ax, build some muscle. I tell you, what I didn’t learn from my father.

But then the neighbors, they liked getting cherries from my mother. They saw me out there chopping down this stupid tree.

We had to come up with something.

It’s so easy to come up with something. Back then I learned how from my father, the best. The best father to teach his son so much about how to come up with something. Something crazy. Something totally insane. They believe you. And you get attention, even more attention than anyone has ever had about anything. I mean listen, it was a stupid cherry tree and many people, many, many people are still talking about it. I assume they’re talking about it. It was more than 200 years ago, and they’re still talking about it.

They believe you AND you get attention. It’s like the best combination. Vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce. Fried chicken with chicken inside. You know it. Fried with chicken. Whatever that combination is. As long as KFC doesn’t change it or get rid of it, I don’t care what they call it. But it’s a great combination. Terrific combination.

So say something, anything, and the more outrageous the better. Lesson number one, people, you have to listen to this and learn when you can, when you have the opportunity.

It started with the cherry tree, and then everyone thought I was so honest. Like I was so honest when I was a surveyor and told everyone the land was awful, but bought it myself and made a fortune. A bonafide fortune. Or with the slaves I emancipated at my death. I told them if they even tried to leave while I was alive I’d hunt them down and kill them. But after death, who cares really. Be emancipated and everyone will think I’m such a hero. And I’m DEAD. Like you can be a hero if you’re dead. Which is why I don’t like dead people. Never did. Such losers.

Here’s just one tiny little example of how this works that I learned from my great, great father when I was George Washington.

Here’s one I just came up with. Obama was born in China. He’s Chinese really. The son of Mao. Maybe not the son. Maybe grandson. Ok grandson. See the family resemblance?

I won’t sleep until everyone believes that Obama is Chinese. It’s crazy. I love it. And it gets me more attention than a bombing, than Paris, than Atlanta, then even Sweden. It doesn’t matter where. That’s why I said he wasn’t born in Hawaii. It’s outrageous and they believed me, and I got attention. It’s a win win win for me really. I really could have added that part about him being Chinese years ago, but I only just thought of it with my great mind which comes up with all of my fabulous ideas.

Like this one.

There’s no such thing as global warming. The earth is cooling at a really dangerous rate. We still get snow. The ice cap is still there, somewhere. There’s still ice somewhere. So obviously we’re heading toward an ice age. And that means the dinosaurs are coming back so everyone better get a gun and a panic room and store all sorts of food in it.

See where this is headed? Now we know exactly what to invest in. Guns. Panic rooms. Dried food. It’s easy. It’s smart. Because I was very smart and because my father taught me very well back when I was George Washington how to make up great stories, whoppers, like Paul Bunyon. I was behind the whole Paul Bunyon and his blue cow thing. Imagine the blue cow. They believed me. A blue cow.

You want one more? How about Sweden?

I heard from many people, lots of people, lots of great great people, and maybe even some not so great like the lying horrible media, that I didn’t know what I was talking about when I said Sweden. Read my lips. I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. It was Sweden. Ssssswwwwweeeeeeeeeden. Got it? See what happened? How much attention I got? Who cares about Sweden. It wasn’t about Sweden, it was about getting attention for me.

That’s enough. I’m done giving all of this advice away for free. Ivanka is setting up a company right now where you will be able to buy all of this wisdom for a fee, probably a license that you have to renew each year, not just a one time fee. Because Jared says it’s all about recurring revenue. Like a hotel. You build a room and they keep paying you to use it, again, and again, and again. Or those golf courses. Become a member and then still pay more to play. It’s one of the greatest scams I know.

So this will be along those lines. Not a big license, but a forever license, where you pay until you die and then you keep paying because we make you put it in your will that this wisdom will pass down to your beneficiaries and they have to continue to pay the license fee to use it. Jared’s father thought of that one, but I’m the smart one who’s implementing it. Actually Ivanka is. She’s so smart. So beautiful. She gets it completely, which is why she’s whining so much about her brand being kicked out of Nordstroms. My poor little Ivanka. Poor baby. Nordstroms is such a bully and she’s so helpless. Get it? Like the cherry tree, exactly like the cherry tree. Exactly. No difference. Completely the same thing. Or something.