The Secret Benefits of Global Warming

The FAKE NEWS only ever talks about the dire consequences of global warming, like rising sea levels and worse storms. But let me tell you, there are HUGE benefits to global warming. I’ve kept these secret because Jared said they could have a massive impact on the stock market and many, many industries.

Now that Jared’s finished with his hedge fund magic, I’m going to reveal, for the FIRST TIME EVER, the secret benefits of global warming. You’re not going to believe it, but every single one of these is a proven, scientific FACT!

1. Global warming causes the energy industry to grow like CRAZY.

Think about it. It’s getting warmer and warmer in your house. What do you do? You turn up the air conditioning. Or maybe you turn it down. Not sure what it’s called, but you’re going to make it colder in your house, which means your air conditioner is going to run more, which means you’re going to use up MORE energy.

Energy companies LOVE this because they’ll emit even more green house gasses, the world will get even warmer, and you’ll have to run your air conditioner even longer, using up even more energy, emitting even more green house gasses, making the world even warmer, and so on. Do you see the genius of this perpetual cycle now? It never EVER ends! The world just keeps getting warmer and warmer. Yes, 50-something women won’t be too happy about that, but I have a few years before I have to replace Melania.

2. Global warming causes a longer growing season in Russia and easier access to arctic oil.

This one is clearly self-explanatory. What you don’t know is that I promised Vladimir Putin that the US would exit the Paris Climate Accord, and replace it with the Pittsburgh something-or-other. In return, I got lots of fake-negative news generated by Russian trolls about Hillary, and lots of fake-positive news generated by Russian trolls about me. Putin said he’d throw in 15-20 million fake Twitter followers for NOTHING! The BEST DEAL EVER!

3. EVERYONE will start wearing white robes like they do in Saudi Arabia.

My friend the King of Saudi Arabia explained during my recent visit that white robes help keep people who live in desserts cool. Who knew about that? If everywhere in the world becomes a desert due to global warming, everyone will start wearing white robes.

There are two major benefits to these white robes. First, the Saudi’s won’t feel so out of place when they come to visit me, because I’ll be in my white robe too (the one my father left me in his will. AND, all of the KKK members who have white robes will be able to wear them out in the open again (plus they’ll save all kinds of money because they already have white robes hanging in their closets). Not to mention, Ivanka will have a lot of fun designing all sorts of white robes for working women.

4. I’ll get to live with Melania again.

I really like Melania, even if she is getting a little old. But she’s nice. Doesn’t talk much, or at least I don’t understand much of anything she says. Same thing. But she really doesn’t want to live in the White House with me. She just wants to stay in New York. If it gets really hot down here in DC due to global warming, I’ll have to move back up to New York. And what better place than my Trump Tower, with Melania. We’ll be a happy family, reuninted again, at least until her 50th birthday. 50 is really way too old for women.

As more secret benefits of global warming are revealed to me (they usually strike late at night when I wake up to pee and tweet) I’ll release them. But only if everyone is nice to me, and I mean EVERYONE!